Off His Onion
By Israel Shamir
Iran is a great country for kebab;
their pretty if well-covered girls are fine; but sense
of humour is just not their forte. Their state media
repeatedly broadcasted items lifted from the Onion,
a satirical magazine taking them for literal truth. The
Onion ran a
story about American farmers who would rather have a
drink with Ahmadinejad than with Obama, and their Fars
news agency duly
reprinted it. The Onion faked an interview with Mark
Zuckerberg, and Iranian state-owned Press TV
took it for a real thing.

And now, a new faux-pas. The same
Iranian state-owned Press TV published an
attack on Julian Assange with a bombastic claim:
“Exclusive: Assange-Mossad ties unveiled”. A brief check
shows an identical piece appeared on
The Veterans Today site. Both pieces are identical,
both “exclusive” and both written by the same person, a
Gordon Duff, wearing two hats, that of “the chief editor
of VT” and that of a “columnist of Press TV”. Oy, it
would be better to stick to the Onion.
Not only it is not “exclusive”, there
is no “revelation” either. In his column, Duff claims
that “Assange, an intelligence asset of Israel, as
Zbigniew Brzezinski pointed out on December 2, 2010 on
National Public Radio in an interview with Judy
Woodruff, one tasked with supplying a platform for
Israeli intelligence to insert carefully crafted
“pointed intelligence” wrapped in “Wikileaks.” A very
strong claim! Who would know better than Zbigniew
Brzezinski, whether Assange is an intelligence asset or
not? If he says so, it is certainly true. But alas, it
is not so. In the interview, or anywhere else, or on any
other occasion Zbigniew Brzezinski did not say anything
similar about Julian Assange.
So, does Duff brazenly lie? No, he
cheats the reader. Brzezinski explained what is
“intelligence asset”, and Duff built the sentence so a
careless reader would think Brzezinski related to
Assange. Crafty trick! He could say: Assange, a vile
paedophile, as the head of London police said, one who
lusts after small children, and we would think that the
Head of Scotland Yard confirmed criminality of Assange.
He should be a lawyer, this Duff, and make good money.
The centrepiece is the absurd claim
that by accusing President Obama of seeking to exploit
the Arab spring revolutions for political gain, Assange
“supported Romney, just like Netanyahu”. This is too
silly even for the Onion! Julian Assange
called upon Obama to cease persecution of
Wikileaks and of Sergeant Manning, and he said that
Obama's vocal support for freedom of expression had not
been translated into action. All that is true: Obama was
and is a big disappointment for his voters. He uses
drones to kill people more often than any US president.
He used and derailed the Arab Spring for the imperial
benefit. He was beastly to the Wikileaks. But nothing
whatsoever would justify Duff’s daffy assertion that
“along with Netanyahu, Assange has tried to insert his
way into the American election on the side of a losing
candidate whose platform is simply war with Iran.”
He could say the same about any
critic of Obama, including the Counterpunch late
co-editor Alex Cockburn. Duff goes on: “this week, from
his balcony at the Ecuadorian embassy, Assange unleashed
his program, carefully coordinated with the world’s
druglords, his “bankster” friends and, closest of all,
Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu, his strongest
supporter, one to interfere in the American election on
behalf of Mitt Romney.” Is there any basis for this wild
accusation? None whatsoever. Neither druglords, nor
banksters nor Netanyahu neither Romney never expressed a
single positive assessment of Julian, neither he of
them. Probably Romney would kill Assange by now if he
could, and so would bankers, as he published some Bank
of America data.
Every line in this lengthy article is
zanier than the preceding one. Duff writes: “We got to
know Assange initially with his video of a US helicopter
killing civilians in Iraq. The problem is, of course,
Assange supported the war in Iraq, supported a US attack
on Iran for Iraq (whatever this means – ISH), supported
war with Pakistan, supports US interference in Syria
and, where he stands apart from most well informed
people of the world, is a lead figure in suppressing an
investigation of 9/11.”
Duff forgot to mention that Assange
started World War One and World War Two, supported the
Inquisition and is a leading figure behind the global
warming (or cooling, or both). For the sake of innocent
readers who just now hatched from an egg in rural
Kentucky, let it be added, that Assange was and is
strongly anti-war, and his publications were
instrumental in recognising the sheer criminality of the
US wars in Iraq, Afghanistan and elsewhere.
“Assange, living as a princeling for
years” – he writes of a man who is locked up for two
years for no crime and who hardly had had money for a
bus ride. “Assange is a pure Islamophobe” – no reasons
given, but believe Duff, he knows. Or even better one:
“Julian Assange is the darling of Europe’s
ultra-nationalists and “anti-immigration” crowd,
seemingly a genetic twin to Andrew Breveik, the
Norwegian mass murderer who killed 77 children of party
members who supported the Israeli boycott.” Any proof? A
quote from Julian, or a quote from Breivik, or at least
a quote from “anti-immigration crowd”? Expectedly, none
whatsoever. Assange is very far removed from all the
nationalist scene, he never was interested in them, or
they in him. I do not know why Duff failed to mention
that Assange is Jack the Ripper.
Here is another daffy assertion:
“When, back in early 2011, it was exposed to the world
that all Wikileaks were filtered through Israel and then
the “pop culture” mainstream media before release,
meaning there is no more censored source of information
than Wikileaks, he fell from grace.” Was it exposed? By
whom, I pray? From whose grace Julian fell? Actually, I
know the answer. It is Duff, who wrote that Wikileaks
work from Israel. And then, I presume, Julian fell from
grace with Duff’s readers. Was there any basis for it?
Again, for the same Kentucky’s chicken benefit, none
whatsoever. Julian Assange did not write the cables: the
US diplomats did. As I explained on the Counterpunch
site, the State Department cables are not overtly
critical to Israel, for the US diplomats know that it
would jeopardise their career.
One can go on forever, for every single sentence in the
lengthy article is a sheer lie and baseless invention.
So it was a year ago, and two years ago; as long as I am
aware of Mr Duff’s daffy writing. As a man who
professionally works on the very edge of the loonies’
cyberspace, I know of him, of his ilk and of his
readers. They are mainly the guys who see the Mossad
behind everything, including sunset and sunrise. They
are the softest target for cheating, Duff style. Just
tell them “It is Mossad”, and they will ask no
questions. Tell them Ahmadinejad or Putin is a Jew, they
would never doubt it.
I am rather fond of the loonies and almost-loonies: they
are seeking answers, and it is not their fault that they
can’t find them. It does not matter for me what makes Mr
Duff tick. Is it a result of his many wounds and
contusions acquired during his military service, or is
it his innate daffiness, or his friendship with some
Pakistani intelligence officers, or does he cover the
loony edge for the careful CIA operators who think that
even the loonies should be infected with hate to Julian
Assange like the feminists were thanks to
Anna Ardin and the Jews thanks to the
Private Eye? Who knows, who cares…
It never occurred to me to debunk his nonsense, like one
does not debunk Grey Aliens and Lizards. So why now?
It is because Iran should be taken seriously, and it
should take itself seriously. Whether they want to have
a nuclear weapon or not, if such a possibility is ever
been pondered, they should watch over what they say and
over what their state media reports. Judging by this
publication, Iranians profoundly failed, and this
failure is worse than one of Siemens booby-trapped
equipment. Their discourse can’t rely upon the Onion
nor upon those who are gone off their onion.